Tuesday, 28 February 2012

My Plenty of Fish Profile

Our Love Could be a Toby Keith Song

Looking for…..well, a woman with more cats than relatives.

It’d be a plus if she collects figurines.

Oh and the deal breaker is county and western music – but its gotta be Nashville country, though – none of that uppity Austin country (those Dixie Chicks are testing my patience.)

Speaking of country – I love those dinette sets that use lots of heavily varnished pine (y’know the stuff that comes in the flat-pack boxes).

Oh, and I just love those green patterned accent strips of wall-paper. The ones that run all around the kitchen at about the 7 foot mark.

We’d spend our days haggling at the flea market, and our nites at the multi-plex.

Y’know the kind of girl I’m looking for - someone who thought acid-washed jeans were a good idea.

Yep, I’m all about NASCAR racing and boat shows – and pretty much everything that MAXIM tells me I should be into.

Now, I know from talking to the fellas at the rendering plant that a lotta guys are expecting plenty of action on that first date. I just wanna say up front that I’m one guy who never expects a lot of action on the first date. And it usually works out that way anyway. You have to be understanding - ‘cause today’s career oriented gals are busy. Often times they have to end a date early because of important business meetings, or migraines, or drunk babysitters. I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at the Red Lobster on a nice first date, talking about how I think that there should be NASCAR figurines available, when my date has to go and attend to a sudden and unexpected emergency.

So, if a nite out at the Red Lobster, followed by a great Rob Schneider movie at the multi-plex is your idea of a good time, then get in touch. 

Oh, and those new age gals y’know, with their crystals and beads and chants and Enya CDs. I’m sorta torn about them. I mean, we all know that they put out, but my Pastor says that they all worship the devil. Did I mention that I’m part of a church that finds Pentecostals just a bit too freewheelin’ – if you know what I mean.
First Date
I like to think of myself as a rennaisance man. professional wrestling, monster truck pulls or going to a bar to watch NASCAR - I have a wide variety of interests.

Monday, 27 February 2012



I’m in a relationship and have been for a long time.  Although, she’s only become aware of it quite recently.   We met at marching band practice.  We kept the instruments we were using as they had become the enduring cymbals of our love.

I don’t think that I get enough credit for what I contribute to the relationship.  Sure, she works, and cleans and cooks.  But what about the extensive research I’ve conducted over the years into new and exciting ways to combine cheese and pork products. 

So, relationships are hard work.  And you have to learn from your mistakes.  I can tell you that I’ve said the wrong thing to women at the wrong time.  For example just as the two of you are drifting off and you’re spooning together don’t whisper the words, “You’re so butch.”  Not a good idea.  No woman wants to hear that.

It’s odd – sometimes I’ll talk to people that have no understanding about relationships and how to make them work.  My girlfriend will be away - and someone will ask if I’ve been doing anything fun.    Well the answer always has to be no. 

There might be fun things that I can do, but the relationship contract always gives your companion the first right of fun refusal.  That means I can’t do anything fun on my own, until she says that she doesn’t want to do it with me.  That way there’s never any danger of me having more fun on my own, than with my sweetie.

And all of that is quite understandable.  I know that if my sweetie ever came home and said she had the best time at the strip club doing body shots off the shooter girl all nite – I would have liked the option of coming along.

Now, none of this advice may work for you but, let me just distill it down into one easy to carry around maxim:  Have fun, but never admit to having fun on your own.

Thursday, 23 February 2012



I listen to a lot of paranoid radio.  I love the idea of survivalists and preparing for the breakdown of society.  You know what I’m talking about -the kind of stuff where they’re worried about the new world order and black helicopters.  Stuff from people like Alex Jones.   My favorite parts are the commercials, though.  There are companies that have ads for:  freeze dried meal packs; water purification systems; plans for building a bunker in your backyard.  

I personally would like to see these businesses grow to the point where they can have their own big-box stores and TV commercials:

Hi there friends do you need gold? Do you need a safe to put your gold in?  Do you need a bunker to put your safe full of gold in? Do you need a varied array of firearms to protect your bunker – and safe – and gold?  Well then come on down to Survival City.   That’s Survival City – servin’ the overweight, bearded paranoid loner community for 32 years.

And that’s true when you think about it.  Al the paranoid survivalist I’ve ever seen look exactly like they’re on their way to bear night at the manhole.  Perhaps they’re all going to the same salon.  I’m sure most major cities have a salon that caters to the bear/survivalist demographic:

Friends, are you thinking that the green t-shirt and camo pants just aren’t making you look butch enough?  Well come on down to the Bear Bunker Spa and Hair Salon.   Our top hair designer Bruce Rivera has been specializing in close cropped hair and beards for twenty years.

So the next time you see a survivalist interviewed on TV, try and figure out if he’s on the way to his underground bunker – or a Village People reunion.